Men of Note: Tom Schriner

I’d like to dedicate my blog entry today to my brother-in-law, the man, the myth, the legend: Tom Schriner.

Tom is a man’s man. I once watched Tom wrestle a brown bear to the ground, and then tickle the bear until it giggled like a little girl and gave Tom its wallet.

Tom is intergalactic. A supernova is not really a star exploding; it’s the end result of Tom roundhouse-kicking an evil alien’s ass.

Tom is historic. He almost single-handedly ended the Cold War – Ronald Reagan helped him a schmeensy bit.

Tom is unapologetic. The only person that cried when Tom was born was the doctor – NEVER slap Tom.

Tom is successful. If someone ever says to you “If at first you don’t succeed…” then you know that you are not Tom Schriner.

Tom is a medical wonder. His internal systems don’t digest food – food willingly breaks apart in the presence of Tom’s insides.

Tom is powerful. When someone is in trouble, it’s a job for Superman; when Superman is in trouble, it’s a job for Tom Schriner.

Tom is a champion. He was permanently banned from competitive bullriding after a 1996 event in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1240 miles from Texas to Illinois just to say hi to his parents.

Tom is a master of the elements. I once saw him put out a fire with nothing but gasoline.

Tom is entertaining. He doesn’t own a single TV, just a bunch of mirrors.

Tom defies the laws of physics. Contrary to popular belief, Tom isn’t invisible; light simply doesn’t have the guts to reflect off of him.

Tom is genetically superior. Females have XX chromosomes and males have XY chromosomes; Tom has YY chromosomes because he is twice the man you or I are.

Tom is cinematic. The reason that the “Ocean’s” movies started at 11 is because Tom kicked the shit out of the first 10.

Tom is biblical. The names “Adam” and “Eve” are just cover-ups; their names were really “Tom” and “Schriner.”

Tom is academic. When he got in trouble in school, he sent the teacher to the principal’s office.

Tom is a deadly weapon. Guns are warned not to play with Tom Schriner.

Tom can do anything. He makes Weeble People fall down.

Tom is magical. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, but you better believe Santa believes in Tom Schriner.

Tom is fierce. He can kill two stones with one bird.

Tom is athletic. He once ran so fast he hit 88mph and disappeared into thin air as twin trails of fire continued on in his absence.

Most importantly, Tom is a talented and generous man. Tom single-handedly created the covers for my first novel, “The G.O.R.E. Score, Vol. 1,” and my novella that is being released next week, “The Eagle Has Reanimated.” He’ll also be creating the cover to my upcoming release “The G.O.R.E. Score, Vol. 2,” a project for which I want to thank him for in advance right here and now!

In addition to being an amazingly generous guy, he has a wide range of items he has done graphic design work on and single-handedly created, including t-shirts, magazine covers, logos for professional organizations, brochures, flyers, banners, and even the entire freakin’ side of a two-story building in Fort Wayne, IN. And he does it all while being a cool stay-at-home Dad and a great husband to my sister Jill.

Tom, you are THE MAN. If anyone needs any kind of graphic or creative work done, I highly encourage you to contact Tom, and he will deliver above and beyond your expectations. You can visit Tom at his professional site, Dad at Home Designs, and you can see his online t-shirt store at Red Pill Designs.